I wonder how

I know I am a child of God so naturally that would mean to let go and let God. I try, try and try again it seems all in vain. 

 Sometimes it makes me wonder if he’s disappointed. 

Wonder if I really can mess up as much as I think I can. Wonder if I was so desperate for forgiveness I believed someone that marvelous would even give me the tinniest fraction of thought. I wonder if I’ll always be this weak.

 If everything that I aspired to be no matter how great turns to dust just as I do. If my life’s story will be put on a comedic pedal stool titled a ‘fool’s testament’. I wonder if every dream I ever have it’s just bait that my subconscious gives me to keep going. 

I wonder is life just a dozen mountains that people some how barely manage to climb in the end only to sob for the ones who didn’t make it. I wonder how others could be so joyful all the time I can’t even find the time to read my Bible.

 When I do have the time I can’t will myself to do it because everytime I touch it. I feel like the words will come together into a giant eyeball staring me down playing back everything that I’ve ever done wrong. Spluttering out ever shameful hidden deed I’ve ever done rolled into one huge phrase ‘ not good enough ‘. 

At the same instant a serpent whispers in my ears there’s no way that I can sustain a relationship with anyone, let alone the God of creation. I can’t even stay in a relationship with myself. 

Oh God, Some days I wonder how you love me so much Lord.

Fly away angel

angel

Fly away angel.

Fly away from the glossy eyed, empty lies of lady liberty.

Fly away from Mr. Green and big brother because mother debt is a unwelcome fury.

Fly away from the blood thirst of war, remember that it not only calls for boys overseas but, also for your boys. Make no mistake not even age is reprieved.

Fly away from the river of tears you’re sure to shed if you stay here.

Fly away from distorted dreams your human heart believes how does one learn to trust something that comes within a cage. 

Fly away from the promise of fortune and fame; for everything has a expiration date. 

When your chest is sunken in and you’ve traded in your wings for a nightmare disguised as a dream.

Where are your friends? No where in site.

Where is your fame? Filling your frame with a younger more vibrant picture.

Where is your fortune? No, amount of money can save you from…you.

Fly away angel before time locks you away.

 

 

 

Old but Young

I’m 16 years old, but I feel like I’m 39 

My back aches, my hands fail me,ears ring as if there in need of hearing aids. I’ve got very few reasons to get out of bed.

Shades drawn over the Windows, birds haven’t risen quite yet, all is still.

I close my eyes for what feels like moments my clock reads 6:15, when I open them again it reads 6:35.

I’ve got to get up it’s almost time to leave but no matter how much I search inside of me I can’t find a reason to keep going.

I know a child should not be saying this. I thought the same so I went to find the little girl inside of me so she might point out the rainbow in all this rain because my eyes see as if they’ve seen 70 years worth of pain

I search high and low all I heard was silence. 

I wonder where had she gone or was the silence always there and I was to busy wanting to be a grown up to care. 
And I know I am only 16 but, every night I lie myself down to sleep my bones groan in misery as if their carrying the weight of the world. 

My feet shrink away into the covers at the slightest breeze. My bladder holds up like a house made of straw on a California beach.
And I know I am only 16 but… it sure doesn’t feel that way.

See your way out

If I am not worth your time then you are not worth mine.  

If you have to make an excuse to make your wrongs fall on me then you are not to be trusted.

If you can not stand with me in hard times then do not expect to stand with me in the good times.

If I am valued less then strangers even though my face reflects yours then you are not worth any of my love.

If I ask for nothing but, you expect everything, I will give you back the amount I’ve asked of you…nothing.

If you can not treat me with the same level of importance I administer to you; our acquaitanceship has expired.

I’ve wasted so much time, effort, and tears on you and people of your kind.

Enough is enough, this is my life and you need to see your way out.

11 million Slandered

holocaust


In response to the people who refuse to acknowledge the holocaust happened.


 

I can’t believe you would think such a thing. Let alone have the audacity to utter them.

The holocaust wasn’t real.

Are you out of your damned mind!

How dare you spit on the lives of millions!

How dare you deny their anguished cries!

How can you discount the lives of  11 million people and scorn the remaining 3.6million! 900,000 jews out of 6 million were left!

How can you believe it’s a hoax on the notion that if this had happened; Where is the uprising? Aren’t they angry, why have so little of them spoken out?

I ask you. Had you seen a newborn burned alive would you be able to tell anyone without the child’s screaming plaguing your mind?

The countless days spent fleeing the embrace of sleep, knowing all to well soon the images of your own children’s splattered brains on the very same pavement they had once biked on. Would you be able to swallow that, like they do?

Hiding under piles of sheets become something of the norm. The muggy fog and murky ground is the true monstrosity. Mothers remains thrown into the flames by the same boys they had raised. Could you do the same?

Would you pledge to a country promising freedom when freedom was a broken song that you couldn’t sing?

Take heed in these words if you have nothing good to say, just don’t speak!

 

Really?

I am sick and tired of reading books with the female characters saying…

“I need him, he’s my everything, or I wouldn’t know what to do without out him.”

No woman you need air!

And the fact that you say ” I wouldn’t know what to do without him. ” Really?

1.) You are out of bed

2.) You are breathing air or you would be dead

3.) Talking even though nobody wants to hear it

You know exactly what to do without him. Remember this words work, friends, independence. Yeah, at a point in time you’ve had at least one of those. If not your life sucks and so does your relationship. You should probably get out of there.

Get it through your thick head he’s not Superman. No, scratch that because superman ain’t perfect either.

There is no perfect man on this earth. Jesus is long gone people plus he’s married to Jerusalem.

So stop viewing your partner as a perfect, or almost always hits the target man. Because he’s not!

Woman mainly go into relationships thinking…

Oh my goodness he is my Knight in shining armor, he has everything under control, he will fix everything give him a little time.

Wrong! All of it doesn’t even come close!

Here it is straight up. He is overgrown teenager, who can maybe cover half the mortgage, sometimes once in a blue moon take you out to McDonald’s, and always find the time to watch TV, read the bible, or go out with friends but; almost never finds time for you if so about 20 minutes to jump your bones.

Yeah pretty brutal to read but, painfully true.

That’s the way it goes. Don’t get me wrong there is some stuff you might be able to change; depending on how stubborn he is.

You may alter his eating habits, flip his schedule around, maybe get him to shave but, rarely.

I can stake my life on this.

You never can never change him only he can change himself. Even after that, he won’t be perfect. So stop treating him like he is.

That’s just common sense.

Why?

Why can’t I fly?

Do I not deserve to feel freedom physically rather than it being a small ruined faint thought in the back of my mind. 

Why must you keep me inside this cell?

I am no criminal I swear by it. Does my word not have the same worth as yours? Yes, I know I’ve stolen that apple but, I haven’t eaten in days.

What have I done to be put in such a  harsh position?

You won’t let me near your children though I am a child myself. Do I not deserve friends? Yes, I am quiet and rarely speak but, I am afraid the smallest of a whisper is all it’ll take for you to abandon me.

Why? What have I done?

Why must I do tricks like a dog to get some sort of attention? Why must my leg, arm, or something to that nature be missing for you to recognize me as a human being?

Why must you look at me with such anger when I act out after years of keeping it all in? What advice do you have to give? Do you know what its like to miss a meal, never receive a Christmas present, or watch your sister move away somewhere with a complete stranger?

It didn’t matter how much I begged them not to take her did it? Though they know she was the very last thing I had and I for her the same.

It doesn’t matter, never has.

As I sit in the rain watching the small droplets fall away from the dark clouds onto the old dimly lit, roof sunken in the orphanage. I wonder…

When my feet grow tired of dancing, will I be able to get back up again?