See your way out

If I am not worth your time then you are not worth mine.  

If you have to make an excuse to make your wrongs fall on me then you are not to be trusted.

If you can not stand with me in hard times then do not expect to stand with me in the good times.

If I am valued less then strangers even though my face reflects yours then you are not worth any of my love.

If I ask for nothing but, you expect everything, I will give you back the amount I’ve asked of you…nothing.

If you can not treat me with the same level of importance I administer to you; our acquaitanceship has expired.

I’ve wasted so much time, effort, and tears on you and people of your kind.

Enough is enough, this is my life and you need to see your way out.

Silence is a maddening thing

photostudio_1481685496774.jpg

    I used to scream for what I thought at the time, no reason. I didn’t no why I did it I just know what it left behind; a sea of emotions that retreated as if flushed down the drain slushing down into my core leaving a vile bitter taste in my mouth. For the life of me I couldn’t figure it out, who has the time? I had bigger fish to fry. Unfortunately, my fate grow darker like god him self was a giant wave hell bent on maliciously destroying my ship. Lets go back further for you to get a glimpse of the whole thing. Around 3 is when life surprisingly was at its medium rare about but 1 year later I felt the salty tongue of hell. At the age of 4 I was molested by family members no younger than 6 no more aged than 7 neither of our brains were yet developed but, here we were tangled up in turquoise bed sheets getting addicted to something called escape. People that know crinkle their face in disgust ironically the ones that are disgusted are the reason we had to create the escape it is solely made to escape reality hence the name. To us it was like lotus flowers we welcomed it, we know dark times were ahead. I had been right a few years later my mom dropped me off at someone’s house during one of her nightly turn ups. That sounds weird that I didn’t say whose house it is doesn’t? Well that’s because she just met this person 2 hours before hand at the club. Yep a club that I had to walk inside to get my drunk stumbling mother who barely recognized me her oldest daughter she was so out of it, like a drunk hobo. My uncle did though he had around 4 bottles wasn’t drunk enough yet so we stumbled outside in the cold each of us carrying one arm of my moms all the way to the car. Which a very not so sober asshole of a step father was waiting in the car pissed off that he had to pick my mother up because my siblings and I needed a babysitter. That’s how he acted like a babysitter fucking my mom. Anyway we got home my mom was going to drop us off alone I and my 3 siblings all infants and go back to the club. My step father became furious said if she left us alone he’ll call social services. This wasn’t because he was concerned for our well being, Nope simply since my mother was going to go back to the club she will be heavily drinking meaning less weed money for him. My mother said fine she has got a babysitter and started to drive away he wasn’t having it he punched the window multiple times shattering it reaching in the moving car trying to strangle my mother. She sped up so he wasn’t able to keep up with the car and just left him there fuming. Here we are in the car all 3 of my siblings and I on our way to said babysitter who I known my mother had just met, by than it had become a regular thing. We arrived my mother left us there even though I was sobbing out of fear for her life. My step father has been known to do reckless things I had no way to raise 3 siblings I could barely raise one if she died we will have to go in a foster home to survive. I felt helpless but didn’t show it I know it wouldn’t do any good. I just needed to swallow everything down like a giant gulp of air and deal. What else could I do. We stayed there 3 days and in that period I had been raped for the first time by a man that will not be the last. Years later, as a 15 year old young girl I truly started to wonder if my parents thought I came out of the uterus as a full grown independent woman that can automatically take care of herself. For a decade they barely put any thought in my existence only stepping in when she deiced to pull her head out of her drunken selfish ass for a few hours to cook some dinner. Excuse my French it has been boiling inside for so damn long so long in fact that my body could no longer say silent for it had to shed the pain even if it meant just one measly scream that’s what the screams were at the beginning. My anger has burned to hatred for several long years of having to bear the weight that is supposed to be anthers. At least crackheads have somewhat good excuses, she had none to offer just apologizes, people made excuses for her and damn it am I tired of this shit. I can not describe how it feels to bear the weight of not one but 2 worlds at the beginning of 6 years old but I had to for her to get help I couldn’t allow any of my siblings to end up like me. After awhile the fear of failing to care and protect them silenced me I had to close my mouth and breath though my nose in fear if I opened my mouth everything will come out and I wouldn’t be able to stand back up. Rusting my jaw in place to ran a very long race of life, over time the will to live grew weaker and weaker I had began to reflect how hard life was weighing on me. All this for my siblings to make it. Like the heart of a broken down, beaten 46 year old woman mine had started to harden. Sickly cold to anyone who dared try to claim it, slaughtering and belittled anyone who tried to change it. Raising my sister and myself was a hell of a task especially since 2 more had arrived on top of that I could not get a job. I had to sneak inside the kitchen like a thief in the night just to do what our mother was supposed to do she rarely ever remembers to fed herself let alone us. Her smell still lingers through out the house all the way to the door. 90 pounds 5ft that’s how I can identify my mother that’s all I truly know she’s like a stranger someone to dangerous to study up close. I wait for the call that will intensify this blizzard cold I am barely holding on through. the call that with say she or another has finally taken her life one night.  I watched my mother slowly destroy herself inside out it hurt so bad but, I couldn’t do anything about it I was to busy defending myself from everyone else. After 11 years went by my mom pulled her head out of her ass and moved us out of the shit hole we were living in. That admittedly alimented a few problems but some just got started. The rape and escape stopped but the disorder grow worse. Darker now sadistic urges happening every now and than don’t worry I have promised myself I will not pick up the trade of the fast life like my family members have. I will use my knowledge and pain by becoming a author writing all that I am in stories and allow god to restore me slowly for the sake of the generations to come. This will be my greatest challenge in life building the right way for my family to come. I have decided to be brave through my journey. You maybe wondering way I haven’t said much about the present I figure it shall explain itself.

Never forget

wp2

Never shall I forget those intense brown eyes glistening with so many emotions I could never understand

Never shall I forget the smile that seemed to reach beyond bliss

Never shall I forget the courage that had shown brightly even in the darkest night 

Never shall I forget the faint pure light that quieted the demons that awaken in the night 

Never shall I forget the long nights she stayed by my side as I cried 

Never shall I forget all the broken pieces of me she healed just by never telling me a lie 

Never shall I forget the life she gave to me as I stayed by her side watching the light go dark as she began to die inside

Never shall I forget her emotionless eyes staring into mine after saying goodbye for the very last time 

Never.

My Cinderella

wp8

Search my eyes for the answer find nothing but void

I took your place you know who you are

 I did my share dancing with death around hell’s square
 

 I love you dear I always have one more advise from the one who gave you their all

 catch what ever tear thats about to fall stay strong and most of all

DANCE WITH NO ONE 

Only exception is a man that treats you like you are the greatest thing he’ll ever know

Fair game

Wp9.jpg

I lived for a second, back to present
You’re screaming at me you care
Maybe you’ve forgotten I don’t care
You’re looking at me with maliciousness and pride you think so sneakily you hide
You helped them kill me, made me shatter, made me twisted
Don’t call me friend, don’t say a word you make me sick
I know all of you, I was once your prey you stocked me, shot me as I ran, well now I’ve caught you in a corner this game is not yet over
To late I told you to run
The tables have turned
Yesterday you where the predator
Now you’re the prey, I promise I shall eat today.

Many mothers

wp10

When you look at me I’m tall

When she looks at me I’m small
When you smile i’m whole
I call you mom there’s 2 of you, as you know
One of you left me alone, drowning in tears of pain at just 4yrs old
When you left me to fend alone you hammered at my insides destroying my innocent mind
Tired of you I let you go you can fly on your own with out me weighing you down
No words to say as I think of all the places I go to get away from the memories you gave
You came back an offered your heart, love, an care
Listen to me now mother number one I do not care 8yrs too late
Deserted me when I needed you the most enough I don’t need you I’ve always found my own way
I just came out the toddler sage but you walked away
Now I will do the same don’t look at me with surprise in your eyes
You ain’t important been strong enough on my own
Goodbye mother number 1
As for you mother number 2 if I can call you that anymore
Your services were great at least I thought they were
As I grew up I took the blinds off my eyes
Only to discover you are the same as number 1 you just have a cover story
I don’t need either of you
Maybe if I hadn’t met you and you gave me away someone would’ve given me the chance
To see life in color even for a brief second
Sad thing is people stole more than my innocence
They stole my childhood and my respect for you