Almost time

​One year and two months….
One year and two months to go until the bird leaves the nest. 

One year and two months to go until life begins

One year and two months to go until the tabernacle slices in two and everything becomes clean.

One year and two months to go until the blinds folds fall away and the bird judges everything she see’s according to what she thinks they should be.

One year and two months to go until the birds heart becomes whole and not just a doormat people think they could step on. 

One year and two months to go until the north star lights the way.

One year and two months to go until the bird learns to fly through the rain without the rusted chains.

One year and two months to go until the bird becomes a woman and remains herself to brace for a storm. Yes, trails and tribulations  will come but, life is far to beautiful to slip through her fingers.

One year and two months to go.

Old but Young

I’m 16 years old, but I feel like I’m 39 

My back aches, my hands fail me,ears ring as if there in need of hearing aids. I’ve got very few reasons to get out of bed.

Shades drawn over the Windows, birds haven’t risen quite yet, all is still.

I close my eyes for what feels like moments my clock reads 6:15, when I open them again it reads 6:35.

I’ve got to get up it’s almost time to leave but no matter how much I search inside of me I can’t find a reason to keep going.

I know a child should not be saying this. I thought the same so I went to find the little girl inside of me so she might point out the rainbow in all this rain because my eyes see as if they’ve seen 70 years worth of pain

I search high and low all I heard was silence. 

I wonder where had she gone or was the silence always there and I was to busy wanting to be a grown up to care. 
And I know I am only 16 but, every night I lie myself down to sleep my bones groan in misery as if their carrying the weight of the world. 

My feet shrink away into the covers at the slightest breeze. My bladder holds up like a house made of straw on a California beach.
And I know I am only 16 but… it sure doesn’t feel that way.

I think I just got ran over

Pain is physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.- Webster Dictionary 

If only it were that simple. 

Pain is more than physical suffering its emotionally devastating. 

Pain is like a virus even though you don’t feel it, it still lyes within you.

Pain leaves a burning sensation that you just can’t shake whether good or bad. 

Pain is physically scarring sometimes more than people let on.

Pain is a silent enemy that wins more that 67% of the time. 

Pain is in some instances controllable but, sometimes you lose someone or something and the only way you can truly heal the wound is with tears of pain.

Pain is deeply rooted within all that is expression. You could not feel joy without first feeling the pain of loss. You could not hear the magnificent beauty in music if you couldn’t connect with that very moment of pain in the past. You couldn’t carry hope like a shield of protection if you haven’t felt what it’s like to have none.

Pain is that icy burn in your heart when you think you’ve got nothing left. 

Pain is that throat clenching burn, so bad you can’t even find the will to speak because someone you’ve love unconditionally hurt you the most.

Pain is hard to swallow. 

Simply because the antidote is even harder to swallow.

Forgiveness; some of you are already thinking “No fudging way will I ever forgive them”. 

Well pain is like poison all it does is take away. Forgiveness is like a leap of faith scary at first but, you’ll be glad you did it.

You make the choice.

 

Some times people are stupid

People are stupid that is what I’ve come to realize.

They speak of things of great power when truly they’ve got no clue what they’re saying.

People hide who they are just to empress someone else, after that person becomes jettison they run back to themselves but discover that ship has long since sailed.

People become bitter and lashing out on anyone who dares come within a yard away, than wonder way they are alone.

People think of themselves as God yet, can’t even control what goes on in their own lives. You’d think if you were God the person you felt so dearly about wouldn’t have hurt you, or ever have any harm done to them.

People are most certainly stupid no matter how high the IQ . I know because I am one I’ve got a fairly high IQ; I am considered above the average joes.

But, even with high intelligence I still make the same mistakes wether it be a week, months, or years after making that very same mistake. I feel the exact same pain and till myself it won’t happen again, it will.

Why?

Because I am a human everything I’ve done has been done before every screw up and not so screwed up things, all I do is repeat we all do.

For it is the largest flaw in the cycle of humanity. Who can fight it but, God himself.

Which I am not.

I am talking to you god

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I’m not good at this

I’m gonna throw up


This is stupid way am I even trying


Well I know why but, still…whats the point 


Here I am God talking to you


I been half way in half way out with you I’ll admit


I know its wrong, its no excuse how hard it is down here cause you know all to well


Honestly I didn’t believe you the first time when you said you died for all mankind 


Matter of factly it freaked me out 


Why do that for selfish, disgusting, undeserving people


Seriously most of our parents don’t even love us


Why the God of time 


Another thing how could you allow all this to go down


Than I read genesis you clearly said I give the earth to mankind to take domain over


Well, then I thought God just made a mistake I thought no way


Than I seen that you had not 


You gave us this land and each of us the right to chose what we become as adults so when we hit rock bottom have nothing left we allow you to take care of us like a parent allowing there child to do something they know isn’t right so they’ll learn what it’s like first hand


Then I was like what about hell and guys who don’t learn do they get off scotch free


Than I understood people like Adolf Hitler, Joseph stalin are the reason why we should praise you for hell


Now I believe you I don’t even know why I doubt you


Goodnight

Fair game

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I lived for a second, back to present
You’re screaming at me you care
Maybe you’ve forgotten I don’t care
You’re looking at me with maliciousness and pride you think so sneakily you hide
You helped them kill me, made me shatter, made me twisted
Don’t call me friend, don’t say a word you make me sick
I know all of you, I was once your prey you stocked me, shot me as I ran, well now I’ve caught you in a corner this game is not yet over
To late I told you to run
The tables have turned
Yesterday you where the predator
Now you’re the prey, I promise I shall eat today.

Many mothers

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When you look at me I’m tall

When she looks at me I’m small
When you smile i’m whole
I call you mom there’s 2 of you, as you know
One of you left me alone, drowning in tears of pain at just 4yrs old
When you left me to fend alone you hammered at my insides destroying my innocent mind
Tired of you I let you go you can fly on your own with out me weighing you down
No words to say as I think of all the places I go to get away from the memories you gave
You came back an offered your heart, love, an care
Listen to me now mother number one I do not care 8yrs too late
Deserted me when I needed you the most enough I don’t need you I’ve always found my own way
I just came out the toddler sage but you walked away
Now I will do the same don’t look at me with surprise in your eyes
You ain’t important been strong enough on my own
Goodbye mother number 1
As for you mother number 2 if I can call you that anymore
Your services were great at least I thought they were
As I grew up I took the blinds off my eyes
Only to discover you are the same as number 1 you just have a cover story
I don’t need either of you
Maybe if I hadn’t met you and you gave me away someone would’ve given me the chance
To see life in color even for a brief second
Sad thing is people stole more than my innocence
They stole my childhood and my respect for you