Why?

Why can’t I fly?

Do I not deserve to feel freedom physically rather than it being a small ruined faint thought in the back of my mind. 

Why must you keep me inside this cell?

I am no criminal I swear by it. Does my word not have the same worth as yours? Yes, I know I’ve stolen that apple but, I haven’t eaten in days.

What have I done to be put in such a  harsh position?

You won’t let me near your children though I am a child myself. Do I not deserve friends? Yes, I am quiet and rarely speak but, I am afraid the smallest of a whisper is all it’ll take for you to abandon me.

Why? What have I done?

Why must I do tricks like a dog to get some sort of attention? Why must my leg, arm, or something to that nature be missing for you to recognize me as a human being?

Why must you look at me with such anger when I act out after years of keeping it all in? What advice do you have to give? Do you know what its like to miss a meal, never receive a Christmas present, or watch your sister move away somewhere with a complete stranger?

It didn’t matter how much I begged them not to take her did it? Though they know she was the very last thing I had and I for her the same.

It doesn’t matter, never has.

As I sit in the rain watching the small droplets fall away from the dark clouds onto the old dimly lit, roof sunken in the orphanage. I wonder…

When my feet grow tired of dancing, will I be able to get back up again?

Just forget

” Mom where are you going?” The girl chocks back a sob clenching her small fists at her side.

” Stop acting like a baby you know I’ll be back ” her mother shook her head, adjusted her eyeliner for the umpteenth time. Completely disregarding the child.

Do I know? The little girl thought not really having anymore to say. She felt as if her thoughts meant as much as a billionaires dime, nothing.

She clenched her tiny fist’s into a tighter ball. She winced at the sharp sting of her irritated bloody red palms. She paced thinking over what to do once her mother was gone. Her grandmother was in the other room just two feet away. Not for long, she’d seen the eyeliner on her eyes as well. Surely, she’ll sneak away after her mother has appeared to be far away.

It’ll be a race to get home. Both will have the same excuse ” I am a grown woman I can do what I please now go to sleep!” She’ll have to do what they say although they’re in the wrong. What more can she do their big she is small simple laws of nature don’t pick on the big guys.

That’s how it will always be; many children around the world can tell abuse, neglectful, dysfunctional stories. Filled to the top with problems their parents or someone bigger than them created.

Fact is all over the United States commercials premiere about animal abuse, domestic abuse against women.

What about the children why don’t they get a say? Aren’t their lives just beginning where’s their dog day? Why do they go through domestic abuse, horrible foster parents, starvation, struggle for stability and no one care?

I guess just like every horrible deed the human race has committed it is swept under the floor in hopes no one will notice. In hopes everyone will forget.

The children never forget, just ask the prison guards that guard them.

I won’t forget you

I had a monkey long ago, not just any monkey, a monkey with oh so soft brown eyes. A large smile that beat the stars hands down.

Over the years the brown, turn to gray.

Ironically so did I.

I died on the inside every time I chanced a glace his way. How I wished the sickly skin tone would go away.

He fought hard he did. Brave little monkey he was, and is forevermore.

Funnily enough I feel as through that little monkey known from the start. He held fast to life with both hands. Played it sweet like the smoothest of harps. When that song was over he lay still.

Goodbye little monkey. I’ll never stop wearing the symbol of you.

Pink ribbon tied tightly to my wrist, I strut proudly not caring what others think.

Because, you little monkey taught me to be brave.

I think I just got ran over

Pain is physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.- Webster Dictionary 

If only it were that simple. 

Pain is more than physical suffering its emotionally devastating. 

Pain is like a virus even though you don’t feel it, it still lyes within you.

Pain leaves a burning sensation that you just can’t shake whether good or bad. 

Pain is physically scarring sometimes more than people let on.

Pain is a silent enemy that wins more that 67% of the time. 

Pain is in some instances controllable but, sometimes you lose someone or something and the only way you can truly heal the wound is with tears of pain.

Pain is deeply rooted within all that is expression. You could not feel joy without first feeling the pain of loss. You could not hear the magnificent beauty in music if you couldn’t connect with that very moment of pain in the past. You couldn’t carry hope like a shield of protection if you haven’t felt what it’s like to have none.

Pain is that icy burn in your heart when you think you’ve got nothing left. 

Pain is that throat clenching burn, so bad you can’t even find the will to speak because someone you’ve love unconditionally hurt you the most.

Pain is hard to swallow. 

Simply because the antidote is even harder to swallow.

Forgiveness; some of you are already thinking “No fudging way will I ever forgive them”. 

Well pain is like poison all it does is take away. Forgiveness is like a leap of faith scary at first but, you’ll be glad you did it.

You make the choice.

 

Some times people are stupid

People are stupid that is what I’ve come to realize.

They speak of things of great power when truly they’ve got no clue what they’re saying.

People hide who they are just to empress someone else, after that person becomes jettison they run back to themselves but discover that ship has long since sailed.

People become bitter and lashing out on anyone who dares come within a yard away, than wonder way they are alone.

People think of themselves as God yet, can’t even control what goes on in their own lives. You’d think if you were God the person you felt so dearly about wouldn’t have hurt you, or ever have any harm done to them.

People are most certainly stupid no matter how high the IQ . I know because I am one I’ve got a fairly high IQ; I am considered above the average joes.

But, even with high intelligence I still make the same mistakes wether it be a week, months, or years after making that very same mistake. I feel the exact same pain and till myself it won’t happen again, it will.

Why?

Because I am a human everything I’ve done has been done before every screw up and not so screwed up things, all I do is repeat we all do.

For it is the largest flaw in the cycle of humanity. Who can fight it but, God himself.

Which I am not.

Prince Charming

Love is painful.

Well, the fall is painful.

Right?

The rest is a glorious book waiting to be filled with all the silly, ridiculous moments we go through together.

Isn’t it?

I don’t really know. I’ll I’ve got to go off of is Cinderella, snow white, Arial and all the rest of the dolls.

Their on TV, newspapers, magazines their even painted on the side of airplanes they all say all I’ve got to do is wait.

Wait for prince charming to rescue me because for some reason I need to be.

It can’t be wrong it has to be the right idea. It’s everywhere, and everyone says the same. Yes, there are a few things that don’t line up but, I’ve heard the same thing as far as I can remember.

I know I’m not perfect. I’m not like Arial; my hair is a mess when I come out of any water. My skin doesn’t sparkle like Tiana’s matter of fact my skins so dark my shadows lighter than an iconic long sun-kissed hair you can swipe left on that. It took me 16 years to grow a fro and it’ll take me 10 more to grow dreads. And yes, I sure do love to read books but, I’ll smack a brother upside the head with it if he ever tells me that my place is in the kitchen, not in the senate. And If you think I’m just gonna follow you because you ride on a carpet. You got another thing coming. That carpet won’t pay my bills. That job you got will.

Don’t get it twisted just because I’m not looking for a man now, doesn’t mean I need some poster boy. I don’t need another mouth to feed. Besides I’m waiting until I become a woman, Because girls date boy’s, women date men.

Good men don’t jump from woman to woman. He loves the one he’s got. If I wanted something 5-6ft tall and nice to look at I’d get a great Dane.

I am a strong, intelligent God fearing African American woman.

I’ve been on this earth for a little while but, I’ve seen the same amount as someone who’s been around a good long while. I’ve seen men in their finest and their worst, future husband if you’re reading this at least write this down.

I love a good God fearing man, more than I’ll ever love a façade.

Dear God

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Dear God

Here I stand before you scared.

Not coming to offer any lies.

No more fake smiles.

No more hiding deep within my mind.

Here I am crying.

For the first time I don’t have to lie about how I became who I am. For some time now I’ve only been able to breath though a breathing machine that’s connected to you. You’ve done that and so much more that I cannot count it even if I had 10 hands. I still lied and covered myself though you steadily remind me that I am forgiven.

Why do I hide from you?

Look at me I am filthy.

You’ve told me you have stuck by my side from the start.

It’s hard to imagine you inside that room. That warm, stale ill lighten room. How could you have seen me on that cold worn out black leather couch. If so how can you still stomach the sight of me?

Did you drink in our sweat covered bodies? Maybe you don’t remember the background of the story.

Remember how young I was 6yrs below 12. Did you know what thoughts accompanied my mind.

Did you note the quiet echo of pain salting my frail dry bones? How could you have seen me rather than what was in front of you? You’ve had to see the filthy, blood soaked, condemned girl.

How could you even get past the stones that others have thrown? Don’t you see how impossible it is to love the girl you chose to see. Yes, it’s me needy, fragile, flight risk, sour, scared, abandoned to sum it up a lost cause.

How can I believe what you say when the evidence is written in bold?

I’ve heard you are a perfect man. That isn’t possible I met many men all destructive but, you are saying you are the opposite but, so did the 1st ,2nd, and 3rd man that appeared from thin air.

Be real with me I am close to shutting everyone out for good.

I…heard you speak…just now …loud and clear.

But, how could you.

How?

I believe you, what you said, who you are. I have no other explanation the doctor told me my CAT scan is normal.

You have to have been there to know that.

I trust you now, I won’t doubt you anymore.

To be honest lord I was afraid of you. The thought of the perfect man seeing all the terrible things I’d done things I dare not tell anyone. Secrets that my mind refuses to linger on is chilling.

I thought what would you say watching me sneak food out of my parents’ fringe like a thief when all I was trying to do was fed my sisters and I’s starved stomachs.

Did you count the number of times my mom asked if me and my sister ate dinner at midnight when she finally remember to be a mom like I did? Did you see the countless times she chose men over her children like I did? Did you see the amount of meals I missed a day because they padlocked the fridge? Would you question me about my parents like the officers, teachers, and countless people did?

To process the mere thought of you watching me offering up myself so young to both sexes to protect her from the pain, feels like insanity knocking at my door.

Yet, here I stand listening to you, God say. I am beautiful, intelligent, worthy, and loved.

The darkest nightmare I could ever live through despite all that I’ve been through is to leave your side.

To be honest I would rather die.